Autumn leaves have come to have a lot more meaning to me than they used to.

Three years ago today, it was a normal morning.  There was nothing peculiar or different about it.  I wish I could remember what you wore that day, or what I wore.  I wish I could remember what we ate for supper that night.  I had no clue it would be the last meal that we shared.

It amazes me that three years have passed.  Sometimes it feels like three minutes, especially when a trigger hits out of nowhere and sucker-punches my heart.  Each morning after that night, I remember waking up thinking I just had a nightmare.  That’s when the sick feeling quickly turned to numbness.  For months I just did what I knew I was supposed to do.  When I look back now, I was like a zombie or a robot – I was very ‘mechanical’.  The night of your death shook my world apart.  My tree of life started losing its leaves…

The Britannica Encyclopedia says, “autumn leaves are not simply blown off trees but are separated in a highly controlled process. The vessels that carry water to the leaf and sugars to the rest of the plant are closed off, and a layer of cells starts to grow between the leaf stalk and the twig holding it. These cells serve to slowly cut the leaf from the plant without leaving an open wound. As the leaves fall, the plant enters dormancy, saving its energy for the great bud burst of spring.”

I entered a period of dormancy.

Scripture says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die…” 

Three years later, I find myself as Executive Director of The Caring Place, and on this particular day, something is being born.  It has been the dream of one of the counsellor’s to start a support group for domestic violence/sexual assault.  As I write this, women are opening their hearts that have been dormant…  I know I would not be here if you were still alive. We would be happily spending time together in retirement.  God knew that.  Autumn leaves are not simply blown off trees but are separated in a highly controlled process.  Does it hurt any less?  When I close my eyes, I can see your face, I can feel your body against mine…  Yes, it still hurts.  But knowing that you were not just some leaf randomly blown off the tree brings me great comfort.  There is a plan.  My numbness is leaving and I am being reawakened. 

I love you Lawrence Materi.  That will never change.  I wouldn’t be who I am without you.  I wouldn’t be where I’m at without you.  I’ve been told that you’re up there clapping your hands and urging me on.  Joy and pain collide… Spring is coming.